i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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