so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
