In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The feeling are messing with the penis
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
