I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
