Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
