i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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