Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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