yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
