Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
