All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I did not marry a roomba.
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