Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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