Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
soo... how was my night?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
