A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
