She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
