why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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