I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
