omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
