I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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