you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
