If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
soo... how was my night?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
