I'm eating all of the evidence.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
