Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
