She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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