Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I still have a little drunk in my system
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
