Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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