Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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