shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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