I smell stomach acid.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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