i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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