Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
