that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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