My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
