were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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