Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
