I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
