You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
