His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
