guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
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