I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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