dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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