Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Its about making memories worth repressing
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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