Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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