You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
