i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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