i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
