The maid of honor just puked.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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