Cold hands, warm shart.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
