You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
