It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
