Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
