Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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